Wednesday 30 August 2023

Close Call

 

Just recovering from a very close call.  I have been very near to dying it seems and am so grateful to still be here; especially for my wife and daughter’s sake.  I had been feeling unwell for quite some time and eventually was consumed by pain in my kidneys and other symptoms.  I eventually tried to get a doctor’s appointment, but as things are now regarding NHS, I just had a phone appointment where I was indeed diagnosed as having a kidney infection and antibiotics were prescribed.  But things didn’t improve and as the pain got steadily worse I found I couldn’t eat either and then began to vomit black bile.  I did then get an appointment to see a doctor face-to-face and within a few minutes she told me to go home, pack a bag and go straight to hospital as I wouldn’t be coming home for a while.  Following a long wait in A&E, I finally had a CT scan and was visited by a consultant who told me I was hours away from death; many things were going wrong, but most worryingly my kidney function was down to 7% and there was some irreparable damage there.  Emergency care followed and the next day I was visited by another consultant who confirmed what I was still trying to process – I was indeed very lucky to be alive and I had left it a day longer sepsis would undoubtedly have occurred and there would be no chance of saving my life. 

So I’m back home now and back to work, but still receiving treatment and will be for some time.  But I’m slowly getting better; although I have lost a lot of weight and at the moment weigh only nine stone.  This near death event has spurred me on to write again as I have found the process quite demoralising of late as it seems so much more difficult to engage with a theatre director or company.  I’ve even tried mailing scripts together with a SAE ‘old school’, and more recently even posted my play Canned Peaches in Syrup to a hero of mine, Terry Gilliam when he was directing a play at Theatre Royal Bath, but no reply and no return SAE with my bloody script either!

But for some reason I can’t seem to stop writing, and at the moment feeling I’ve been granted some extra time I’m scribbling away again and am still trying to prise a response (or even an acknowledgement) from an industry I still love and miss.  The idea of death really does have a way of focussing you on life, and if you’ve read earlier posts you will know that this isn’t the first time I’ve faced it.  So back to my current job in mental health support and looking forward to a holiday and some scenic walking with my wonderfully supportive wife, seeing friends and my lovely daughter... I’m still here and very, very grateful for all those hospital staff that made it possible... life is so, so precious.

Sunday 19 March 2023

Mothers Day Poems

 

On Mothering Sunday, a couple of poems for all of us orphans.  My mother passed some time ago, long before she should have, and I still think about her almost every day and visit her grave from time to time... An inspirational, kind-hearted soul and my mum...

 

 

GOODBYE MUM

 

The morphine kicks in,

Liquid lull of warm blood, mixing, melding,

Rinsing those last corpuscles of thought.

 

You are drifting away from me,

Bleary eyed,

Scared,

Tired and weary...

You are drifting away from me.

 

I hold your hand,

Knowing that I'll never be able to do this again,

Because you are drifting away,

And love and memory hammers at my heart and brain

As I feel the tremble of life in your fingers, fade...

 

Goodbye Mum,

God bless

And great big hugs.

 

 

GRAVE FLOWERS

 

Wet flowers

Melting in my fingers,

Slimy stems

Disintegrating

As I pull them from the brass containers

Set in marble stone

At your grave.

 

I replace the flowers with new ones,

Bright yellow blooms shining brightly in the sun.

I know you can't see them,

But I wish you could.